Quarter Life

Please forgive the tardiness of this year's birthday post. It's been a crazy few days!

Traditionally, I like to make my annual resolutions on my birthday. I feel like it's way more productive and less pressure to do them this way. Normally, I would start by

 reviewing last year's resolutions before making new ones, but 24 has been an insane year.

I've had a lot of hard times in the last year, and not much has turned out the way I expected it to. However, I am much happier now that the dust is settling. So instead of looking back, I'd rather look forward this year, in the spirit of optimism.

In my 25th year I would like to:

• Finally, finally complete my undergraduate degree
• Make plans to live somewhere other than my hometown
• Learn more about myself as an individual
• Continue to keep my anxiety in check
• Begin to write my first book

I tried for a long time this year to come up with some similar goals, but I'm finding that the more specific my resolutions are, the less likely I am to actually complete them. That's weird right? Oh well.

At least now I can actually say I'm having a Quarter Life Crisis without getting the side eye.

(People give me the side eye anyways).

~Megan

For The Hoard?

No, not that Hoard.

Recently, my mother accused me of becoming a hoarder. You know, like on TV where people have so much stuff that they could literally die in their own homes because they can't walk around? I swear, I am not that bad. Not even close. But my mom's concept did make me wonder a little bit - could it happen?

I've always been a packrat. I keep everything for as long as humanly possible. I find that the second I get rid of something, is the second I find out I need it for something. So I keep things. Forever. See my problem? I don't stop accumulating things, but I do run out of places to put them.

Especially since now I'm not in a nice, one-and-a-half bedroom two walk-in closet apartment that has lots of built in storage. A studio apartment with minimal storage is an interesting thing to navigate for someone such as myself.

Imagine books everywhere, papers strewn about, and a constant pile of shoes next to the door. Yeah, that's me.

What sparked my mom's comment, however, was a fiasco involving some bed bugs (blech) and a missing load of laundry. In the chaos of cleaning out my apartment, an entire load of laundry got thrown away with some trash. I didn't realize it was missing until the next morning...after the garbage trucks already came. Included in that load of laundry were all of my work clothes and my boyfriend's borrowed Detroit Lions sweatshirt. I was so upset that I called both my mom and then my boyfriend sobbing and hyperventilating. 

My mom mentioned that while she knew why I was upset about losing his sweatshirt - which I will replace - she had a feeling that if even one thing had gone missing of mine, I would still be freaking out. I know where all of my things are pretty much all of the time and it's true, when something goes missing I want to cry.

On top of all of this, the irony is that I'm the kind of person that can't function in a mess. Messy bed, messy head is my mantra and I find that when my apartment is messy and my planner is out of sync, my life is on a downward spiral. Literally the only thing that can calm me down sometimes is cleaning and organizing. You'd think I'd be clean/organize/situated all of the time, but you'd be wrong.

I think a big part of me growing up is the desire to keep everything neat all of the time - not just when company's coming or my mom is cleaning my apartment. I really, really don't want to end up on TV for that kind of reason...

~Megan

Taking A Leap

One of my flaws is that I tend to be afraid to make big changes in my life.

I've noticed, however, that while the comfort zone is nice, no change or growth ever occurs there. Sometimes you have to take a giant leap into something that may or may not pan out in order to become the person you want to be.

I'm back in the job market looking for a position in banking again. I've missed the structure, the pressure, and the general environment of working in a bank. I truly loved my job, and it saddens me that I left it to begin with. They say hindsight is 20/20...

Truth be told, I'm really anxious about this process. When you apply for things, you're setting yourself up for total rejection - and that's definitely an uncomfortable thought.

However, I'll never get a new job by never applying anywhere because I'm afraid of being turned down. So here go the applications!

Cross your fingers for me!

~Megan

Making It Happen

I've been really frustrated lately because there have been a lot of unexpected twists and turns in my life.

Nothing is going according to plan.

If you know me, you know that I really, really don't like it when things are ambiguous or unorganized. I like to have neat, color-coded lists and set tasks to accomplish. I love the feeling I get when I check off an item on my to do list. I really love the feeling I get when I see a completed list in my planner, though that happens much less frequently.

Lately though, I'm adjusting to a lot of life changes, and as a result, I'm having a really difficult time working through all of my responsibilities.

Career-wise, I'm feeling especially frustrated. Last year, I was working as a personal banker for a large national bank making a decent paycheck and enjoying benefits like a 401(k), paid sick time, and paid vacation. I quit because it seemed like the best way for me to finish my degree, while also making the decision to be the one to take care of the home for my then-husband. 

Needless to say, that definitely did not go according to plan.

When I moved out, it wasn't an organized, structured thing. It was slapdash at best, and I ended up staying on a friend's pull-out couch for a few weeks while I figured out a game plan. I took the first job that was offered to me as a part-time barista. Don't get me wrong, I love working where I do - it's the most fun job I've ever had! But there is a lifestyle adjustment in making less than half of what I'm used to and simultaneously becoming responsible for all of my own expenses. It's been a bit painful.

Especially since I'm a dreamer, and I aspire to have a lifestyle that might be out of reach for some time. (Basically, I want to be Carly from www.thecollegeprepster.com).

I got to thinking: instead of being miserable and upset about how that life seems so far out of reach and feeling bad for myself for being stuck back in an almost minimum wage job after enjoying so much success, I should focus on what I need to do to really get back on my feet. Time to dust off my resume, explore my options within my own network, and expand that network to include anything that may allow me to pay off accrued debts and begin to enjoy the same lifestyle I had a year ago.

Wish me luck!

~Megan

Midterms

I'm really bad at time management.

So bad, that I realized this morning that I have a 5 page midterm due tonight at 5:30. It's currently half past noon and I've written about half of a paragraph.

I can tell that it's midterms season because now is about the time I start seriously weighing the option of just dropping out of college and becoming a stripper. Or a bartender.

Kidding.

Mostly.

It would be great, I would be that one stripper that swears she's putting herself through college, and then I'll be that sad bartender that tells her regular clients all about how she almost had a degree once.

Okay, I'm definitely kidding. I'm going to finish this paper, start the next one that's due at midnight, and then start the one due tomorrow. What in the world would I do without coffee?

However, I should tell you that you should learn from my example: if avoidable, don't decide to take 18 credits in your last semester. Especially when those credits are mostly writing-heavy theory classes. 

You're welcome.

~Megan

Why I Joined A Sorority

I get this question all the time.

"Why would you want to join a sorority?"

"But why would you pay for your friends?"

I guess you don't really understand the motivation until you actually rush, and meet so many strong, independent and motivated women who might someday call you "sister".

Personally, I wanted to be part of something that was bigger than myself. I wanted a group to call my own, in which to share myself and my experiences. I wanted to feel like I belonged on campus. I was so sick of coming to class, walking between buildings, and going home without saying a word to anyone.

Even as I write this, the president of my sorority saw me sitting in the campus coffee shop and came over to chat about the day so far. 

Such a far cry from those lonely days of keeping my head down and making no connections.

It goes so much farther than that, though. 

The women I now call my sisters are some of the most amazing women I've ever met. They're a diverse bunch, and I've gotten to see a few points of view that otherwise I wouldn't have had the chance to experience. 

We support one another, through everything. My big sister was there for me when I needed to vent about the problems I was having leading up to my divorce. Myself and my pledge sisters helped another of our pledge sisters move in her residence hall when her suitemates made life unbearable. The sisters all looked out for me when I was a pledge, never letting me give up or doubt myself.

This semester has been rough. Not only did I leave my husband, I fell hard for someone and got summarily rejected. My best friend in the whole world since high school lives three states away. I don't know how I would be getting through this if it weren't for my sisters, every single one of them. Who else would just hold me while I sat in the library and cried? It is an amazing comfort to walk into chapter meeting and know that every single woman sitting in that room has your back.

I have nearly 40 friends that I can call in the middle of the night, and I don't think my dues nearly cover how much that sense of sisterhood is worth to me.

So yes, I pay dues and I am a member of an organization. But no, I don't think I paid for my friends. Instead, I pay an administrative fee that allows my sisters and I to do some really neat stuff together. We volunteer and raise money for charity, we support one another academically, and we foster leadership skills in one another.

These women are all truly my sisters, for life.

That is why I joined a sorority.

~Megan

This Is The End

I'm finding myself taking a series of deep breaths before beginning this post. It's going to be hard to write, and I imagine heavy to read, especially if you don't know me.

I'm getting a divorce. 

"But Megan," you'll say, somewhat confused, "You just got married last April!"

I know.

I'm uncomfortable putting all of my dirty laundry on the internet where anyone can see it, so I won't go into any details, but suffice to say that there were cracks in the relationship even before the wedding. It just took me until New Year's Eve to fully realize the truth: It's over.

I am sad, but in a very passive way. It's odd to think of myself as a divorcee, given that I'm not yet 25, and that my marriage has only lasted nine months. 

I was the instigator of the end. I have had months, maybe even years, to slowly build up anger and resentment, so for me, the official ending is more of a relief than anything else. I think he was a bit blindsided, and seeing him hurt really hurts me. But the thing is, you can't just stay with someone to avoid hurting them, because then you're in perpetual hurt as well. Something's gotta give.

So, I moved out, and I'm trying to move on. 

~Megan