This Is The End

I'm finding myself taking a series of deep breaths before beginning this post. It's going to be hard to write, and I imagine heavy to read, especially if you don't know me.

I'm getting a divorce. 

"But Megan," you'll say, somewhat confused, "You just got married last April!"

I know.

I'm uncomfortable putting all of my dirty laundry on the internet where anyone can see it, so I won't go into any details, but suffice to say that there were cracks in the relationship even before the wedding. It just took me until New Year's Eve to fully realize the truth: It's over.

I am sad, but in a very passive way. It's odd to think of myself as a divorcee, given that I'm not yet 25, and that my marriage has only lasted nine months. 

I was the instigator of the end. I have had months, maybe even years, to slowly build up anger and resentment, so for me, the official ending is more of a relief than anything else. I think he was a bit blindsided, and seeing him hurt really hurts me. But the thing is, you can't just stay with someone to avoid hurting them, because then you're in perpetual hurt as well. Something's gotta give.

So, I moved out, and I'm trying to move on. 

~Megan

Catching Up

It seems I've got a lot to catch up on, here. 

The problem with catching up is that when so much has happened, it takes time to really fill in the blanks. As time passes, more stuff happens, and it becomes intimidating to begin writing. Then, it becomes embarrassing because it's been so long and there's so much to write, so avoidance happens.

But unless I stop writing entirely, I'll have to start somewhere, and where better to begin than the beginning?

~Megan

Resolved

I've stated before that I don't usually make New Year's resolutions, since I prefer to do them on my birthday. This year, I'm changing it up a little bit.

I still have my birthday resolutions, but this year I'm adding one to begin on the new year.

Right now, I'm at the heaviest weight I've eve been. I feel fatigued a lot of the time, and I generally just don't feel good about myself. My clothes no longer fit, and I get winded every time I have to go up a flight of stairs. 

I've had a lot of people look at me and say "oh, you're not fat" or "you don't need to lose weight!". That's a really nice sentiment, and I'm grateful that people aren't flat out telling me I'm disgusting or anything like that, but it isn't really what I need to hear. 

I'll be brave for a second: at 4 ft 11 inches tall, I weigh 142 pounds. That puts my BMI at 28.7. Keep in mind that the obese category begins at 29.9 - less than ten pounds away in my case. I'm aware that the BMI is not a definitive measurement, or even completely accurate when taking muscle mass into account - but it is a good place to start. Trust me, I have barely any muscle mass to begin with, and I have a very small frame - any extra weight is guaranteed to be fat and not good for my health.

Not to mention, I have no chance of my insurance covering a surgery that I would like very much to have until I am within a "normal" BMI range. I need to lose approximately 40 lbs before I will be in that range.

I've found that every time I've tried to lose weight in the past, I get to a certain point and forget that I have no self control. I allow myself "treats", and then before I know it, I've gained everything back, and then some. This is going to be a very difficult habit for me to break. I need to be very aware of what I am putting into my body without resorting to my past habit of disordered eating. I need to get my body back into the habit of physical exercise. These are no small feats.

Instead of telling me that I'm beautiful as I am, or that I don't look that big, or that I don't need to "diet", please offer encouragement. Know that I am breaking twenty-four years of bad habits, and that it is going to take an astonishing amount of work on my part. Don't tempt me with fried, sugary, or fatty foods. I have no control when it comes to those and if I'm offered something - especially when I'm afraid I'll seem rude in saying no - I will eat it, and I will feel bad about it later. Please don't try to goad me into eating bagels or fast food. I'm very bad at saying no to myself or to others when it comes to food. I do much better when foods I shouldn't eat simply aren't around.

I think that with the support of those around me, I can do this. I can make a huge, positive change in my life. I have no illusions of this being easy, but I do hope that I can replace some bad habits with some good ones.

~Megan

What Do Vegans Eat?

The friends I am staying with in Ohio are vegan. I've been vegetarian in the past, and I guess I'm pescetarian now (meaning I eat seafood but no chicken, beef, or pork). I've been trying to be as plant-based and animal-free as possible, though I have had my challenges.

The one thing people always get confused on is what vegans can eat. Since the lifestyle (and diet especially) is considered a list of "can't eat" foods, most people think that in order to be vegan, you have to eat nothing but salads and pasta.

That is so far from the truth.

So far this weekend I have eaten:

Cereal

Chocolate hazelnut cake

Gyros complete with tatziki (seitan and soy)

Golden nuggets (they're like chicken nuggets but better)

A burger

Pancakes with sausage and bacon (made from tempeh)

Oatmeal cookie sandwiches with vanilla frosting

Grilled cheese sandwhiches

French fries with ranch dressing

Yes, products above like the burger, sausage, and bacon lack the exact taste and texture of meat. That doesn't mean they're not a very close approximation, though. The sausage was pretty dead on - the only giveaway was that it isn't as fatty and greasy as animal meat. 

When I eat a lot of vegan food, I get full to a satisfying level - not so full I feel sick or like I need to take a nap, just content.

Not only do I get to feel good after I eat because I don't feel sick, but I also have the satisfaction that no living creatures (well, besides plants) were tortured, abused, and killed for my meal. There really is something to that. 

If you can, I would recommend making some vegan choices. For your health, animals, the Earth, or simply for the fact that vegan food is delicious. You choose, any way, you win

~Megan

Oh-Hi-Oh

Get it, Ohio?

I slay myself.

But in all seriousness, I'm in Ohio visiting my best friend this weekend! It took around 8 hours to get here, but I always love coming. 

Especially since there was an ice storm at home while it was 55 degrees here. It's raining today, but there's a snowstorm happening in Wisconsin. I have no room to complain about the rain.

Especially when I can spend the day with my best friend watching Gossip Girl and making cupcakes. It's weekends like this that I really wish I lived closer. I'm considering applying to Ohio State for grad school. Not only is it a great school, but it has the added benefit of being basically right next to her.

As much as I love my friends and family back home, there really is something to be said for spending time with someone who has known you for the last ten years, good and bad.

~Megan

Plans A Through D

Like any college senior, I've been thinking about the future a lot lately.

You know, thinking, crying, drinking, laying in the dark under the covers wishing to be a freshman again. The usual coping methods.

But because I like to think that I'm proactive, I have devised a few plans just in case.

Plan A:
I'm applying to the Human Skeletal Biology MA program at NYU. The chances of me getting in are probably slim, but the application isn't due until March. Fingers crossed that I can get some good references by then. If I get in, I'll start next fall.

Plan B:
 Take one more semester at UWM (next fall) to build relationships/experience and apply for graduate school, starting fall 2015. So far my list includes: NYU, Harvard, Berkley, UCLA, Northwestern, University of Washington, University of Hawaii, and UWM. Fingers crossed I get into any of them.

Plan C:
Sort of an extension of plan B, in that it involves me getting into a program at UWM, which is my safety school. Since I'm already familiar with the faculty, I'm really hoping that I'll get in at least here. Bonus: I would get to stay an active sister of my sorority through graduate school!

Plan D:
I get in nowhere. I join the real world and get a job. I have no idea what I want to do besides grad school, so this one is tricky. I'd be happy making money in anything, but something to do with my field would be nice (though I have no idea what). This is the most frightening plan.

Plan E:
Okay, so this is like a fantasy plan. I get in nowhere. I decide that knowledge cannot be limited and I go back to school for a post bachelor's second degree. Maybe something practical, like a STEM field. Or history, kinesiology, religious studies. Maybe a certificate in death investigation. I'd love to keep going to school - partly because I love to learn and partly because I'm afraid of ending up in a job that I don't really want simply because I settled for one that has nothing to do with my real passions.

Okay, now that I'm terrified all over again, I'm going to go hide under some covers.

~Megan

Growing Pains Playlist

I feel like I've been coming out of a cocoon lately. It's an odd thing to describe, but I feel like my eyes are being opened to a lot that I hadn't previously seen. I'm gaining self-confidence by the bucketful, be that good or bad, and I'm starting to believe in the power of my own potential.

But like anything else, there are growing pains. Some mistakes just have to be made. Unfortunately for me, I'm the kind of person that never takes someone's word for it when they say that the stove is hot. I've got to burn myself first.

I also tend to be programmed to take the most difficult path, which is especially interesting considering I also tend to live live in extremes.

I'm always too hot or too cold. Bored or overwhelmed. Exhausted or full of energy. Shy or entirely too extroverted.

See the problem?

So while I'm enjoying all of these new life experiences, you can imagine what those growing pains look like. 

Nothing soothes the soul quite like music though, and I've been listening to one particular Pandora station for days. I'm so into it that I pulled a few tracks out and made myself a playlist. You know, so that I can continue to listen to things on repeat.

1. Kate Earl - You Can't Treat Me That Way

2. Massive Attack - Paradise Circus

3. - Massive Attack - Angel

4. Massive Attack - Teardrop

5. Moby - Porcelain

6. Kate Earl - Golden Street

7. Portishead - Glory Box

8. Nero - Promises

Of course, there are more songs that I've been really into lately and have on repeat, but these are all the same kind of chill vibe that's been keeping me grounded. I'm also realizing how much I love Massive Attack (obviously). 

So excuse me while I close my eyes, turn up the volume, and sing my heart out.

~Megan